Kissing Off

"Take a long walk off a short pier. Put an egg in your shoe and beat it. Make like

a tree and leave, etc., etc., etc." Just what is a good way to say good-bye when the time

comes that you no longer want that certain someone in your life? What's the best way

to get out of any relationship that you've decided is no longer productive and is no

longer fulfilling. It could be a short or long-standing marriage, a job, a career, a

collaboration, any relationship in which you feel you need to end.

Many people have trouble getting out of relationships they no longer want to be

in because they don't want to hurt the feelings of the other person. Some hesitate

because they're married and have children. Others hesitate out of the fear of

disrupting their lives and the dread of something bad happening. Others seem to be

able to negotiate the end of any relationship and seem to be going along their merry

way, none the worse for wear.

An interesting aspect about the end of relationships is that the one who leaves

suddenly seems like a stranger to the one being left and it often comes as a surprise

that the other is leaving. That may be because they either haven't talked about it or one or

the other didn't want to work to improve the problems. Usually, in a marriage, for

example, the one leaving tried to talk about and do something about the problems

long before they decided to leave. But at some point they realized things weren't

going to change and they realized they needed to leave.

Another interesting aspect about the end of relationships is that the person

leaving probably knew for some time that the relationship wasn't suited to them but

hung on anyway. In speaking with women who have divorced after retirement, many

say that they knew from the beginning that they married the wrong man but they

thought they could make it work. Then, children, financial commitments and

accustomed lifestyle interfered with their leaving. While one could say that they were

"meant to be" in the relationship for that long or that it was their "destiny" a point can be

made that the sooner you get out of a relationship that you realize you don't belong in,

the better.

Leaving a relationship that you don't belong in can save many years of

disappointment, pain and misery for everyone involved, since most relationship

problems can be related to the fact that one person doesn't want to be in it but stays.

One caveat is a marriage involving children. Children need a stable home life with

both a mother and father. If the couple is ready to end the relationship but they are not

fighting, not violent, and have the interests of the children in mind, it seems that

continuing in the relationship, at least until the children are grown, is in their best

interest. Of course, "adult" children, as a rule, don't want their parents to divorce either

but they're better equipped to handle it when they're on their own.

What divorce means to children of any age is that their "home" is gone. Everybody can deny it but when they go home there is always a "stranger, a guest, a non family member" there

and it is never the same. Divorce is very disruptive to children. However, violence is more disruptive and has long-term negative effects.

A third interesting aspect about the end of a relationship is that the one leaving

has thought about it for a long time and, by the time he or she leaves, she/he has already "grieved" the loss of the relationship. They're ready to leave, to begin their life anew. The one

being left, on the other hand, is usually in shock, even if it was expected, and must just

begin the grieving process. Unfortunately, we tend to handle the end of relationships as an

adversarial competition in this culture and wind up involving attorneys and litigation in the grieving process (feelings of denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)

which can tend to prolong the healing process.

Once the initial decision to leave has been made the one leaving may suddenly

appear less distressed and the one being left may relax, thinking that everything is okay. The one leaving also seems to become more independent of the other, as they begin doing the things they need to do to take care of themselves, and that may relax the guard of the other even more as things seem to smooth over.

Usually, the one being left won't notice the signals that the one leaving is

projecting because they're invested in maintaining the status quo. They're satisfied

with the way things are and don't want things to change. Of course, the one leaving

has usually realized the relationship is disproportionate in give-and-take activities and

feels that the best thing to do, by that time, is to leave.

Goodbye!

So, how do you do it? What is the best way to get out of a relationship? Actually,

the best way to get out of one is to be honest with your partner and bring up the topic at a time of the day when you're getting along with each other (usually, early morning). You can also write a letter to your partner and either let them read it and discuss it later or read it to them. Of course, this means that you have to be getting along and you're reasonably mature, nonviolent adults.

Usually, when one person wants to leave it has less to do with the one being left and

more to do with the one leaving. If you're the "leaver" do it the best way you can.

If you feel you need help in leaving, seek out a professional therapist to help

you. A therapist can meet with you and your partner individually, help you to decide if

leaving is what you really want to do, help facilitate a peaceful parting or help you work

on the detracting factors in your relationship and provide you with information to help

you strengthen your relationship. The best way to end a relationship is as friends

rather than enemies.

If you're in an abusive relationship you're in DANGER and you need immediate

help. You need to seriously consider working on the relationship and/or getting out. If

you've had enough and you want out but are afraid of being physically attacked it's

best to work with professionals experienced in the area of domestic abuse,

beginning with the local Rape Crisis Center. You may need a

place to go and legal and physical protection which professionals trained in domestic violence can provide.

So, where are you in your relationship? Take some time to respond to the

"Benedick Relationship Satisfaction Questionnaire." Each statement is important in

itself and addresses the aspects of an intimate relationship that can make it strong or

weaken it.

Answer on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being the most satisfied, 3 being

somewhat satisfied and 5 being dissatisfied. If, after completing the questionnaire, you

are feeling comfortable with your relationship, you're probably doing okay. If, on the

other hand, you're feeling uncomfortable with it, or disturbed in any way, please

contact a mental health professional. You may also apply many of the statements to other

relationships, such as jobs and other working relationships to get an idea of how

you're doing. Here goes:

I am satisfied with:

1. The way we resolve conflicts.

2. The way we raise our kids.

3. The way you criticize me.

4. The way housework gets done.

5. The way we spend money.

6. The way we communicate.

7. The way you show affection.

8. The way you show appreciation.

9. The way decisions are made.

10. What we do for fun and relaxation.

11. Our sexual relationship.

12. Our friends.

13. Our trust for each other.

14. Our common goals.

15. Our commitment.

16. Our common interests.

17. Our religious beliefs.

18. Our relatives.

19. Our jobs.